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This article appeared in Home News Tribune Online.
February 19, 2008
Understanding grief: Helping to cope with loss
By Jennifer Gozlan, LCSW
Correspondent
We want to fix it, to make it better. But when it comes to grief, we can't. So we say things — all too often the wrong things — in a clumsy attempt to comfort.
Without an understanding of the mourners' beliefs, we say their loss was God's will or that their loved one is in a better place. We encourage a grieving person to rejoin the world without respecting their readiness to do so.
We reassure a young widow or widower that they're still young enough to marry again or tell parents who've lost a child that they can have more children. We seldom, if ever, bring up the deceased person in a conversation for fear of upsetting the mourner even more. And when they cry, we squirm. We don't know what to say or do. We think, "Shouldn't they be over this already?"
Why do we do this? It may have to do with our own discomfort with death or our instinct to want to make things better for people who are in pain.
But the truth is we can't make it go away. All we can do is to try to understand the upheaval that someone who is grieving feels and offer comfort as they try to find their place in the world without the person they lost, without the relationship they had.
In my work training hospice volunteers, I say that someone who is mourning is not only mourning the loss but an identity. The bereaved played an important role in the life of the deceased; they were a wife or a husband, a mother or a father, a daughter or a son. They are not only mourning the person, but their place in the world with that person.
The grieving process
Grief is a universal human experience. We all grieve. It is a natural experience and, most important, it fluctuates. That's not to say that it declines steadily over time, a popular misconception. Instead, the character and intensity of grief change with time.
Grief is cyclical. Just as we begin to feel like we're living again, a song comes on the radio or someone walks by wearing an oh-so-familiar fragrance and we find ourselves crying.
We think, "I thought I was beyond this." That's because our expectation of grief is that it's linear. It's not. With each birthday, wedding anniversary, graduation, anniversary of the loss or other important lifecycle event, we re-work or re-experience the loss. We mistake this for moving backward, but it's very much a part of moving forward.
Many people think grief ends within a specific timeframe; this is not the case. Each relationship is unique, and it takes a long time to build a relationship of love. It also takes a long time to say goodbye, and until goodbye has been said, it's difficult to move on to a new relationship that is satisfying.
There is no quick cure for the pain of bereavement. Grief is a deep wound that takes time to heal. We all grieve differently and at different speeds. And we backslide — we're OK one day, but not the next day or the next week.
All grieving is not the same
All losses don't prompt the same type of grieving. Often, the more complicated the relationship, the more complicated the grieving. The loss of an older parent is different from the loss of a child because the latter is so against the natural order of things. If you were not on speaking terms with someone at the time of their death, the grieving process would be different than if you had a harmonious relationship.
Children grieve differently than adults. Unable to tolerate sadness for prolonged periods of time, a child will express sadness then quickly change the subject. That is their way of grieving.
While the bereaved may look OK on the outside, they may be experiencing a wide range of emotions on the inside — shock, numbness, anger, disbelief, betrayal, rage, remorse. These feelings are intense and confusing, and we can't take those feelings away from them. What we can do is acknowledge that what they're going through is difficult and offer a willingness to help. By help, I mean doing something concrete. We can offer to help with a particular chore, a visit or doing something specific, such as driving them someplace or helping them with paperwork.
What are not helpful are cliches. A statement like "There are other people out there for you" is seldom useful and usually creates more hurt feelings. Someone who is grieving does not want somebody new, they want the person and the relationship they no longer have.
Grief shared is grief diminished
We often avoid mentioning the deceased around those in mourning. Why do we do that? Those who have lost someone dear want to talk about their loss, including the smallest details. In hospice, we believe that grief shared is grief diminished.
Talking about the loss and the person who has died helps in the healing process. The people who are most helpful to those who are mourning are those who allow them to speak about their loss and about their loved one.
Both in our hospice's bereavement group and during our memorial services, we take the time to remember the people we have had the privilege of caring for. We try hard to remember their life and legacy. The illness is a mere footnote.
And we tell the families we work with and the volunteers that we train that crying is OK. Tears are nature's way of healing a broken heart; they are the price we pay for the gift of attachment.
Jennifer Gozlan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with the Hospice at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital Rahway, a nonprofit hospice that has served the community for more than 25 years.
A bereavement group is forming at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital Rahway on March 26, 10 am to 11:30 am. For more information, call the Hospice at (732) 499-6169.
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